Showing empathy toward someone while, at the same time, trying to further explore a particular situation tells the person that we really care but we are not going to accept the situation at its face value. Combining empathy with this type of “probing” provides managers with the means to be both caring and critical.

Method

1. The focus of this activity is to learn the skill of replying to a person with empathy and then following up with probing questions. This is called combined empathy-probing.

2. Ask participants to decide what kind of information or clarification they require when working with people. They should see this in terms of concrete and specific experiences, behaviors and perceptions. These should be used to help the individual see the problem situation more clearly. Distribute Handout 10.1 and use these case study examples to guide participants into combined counseling skills.

3. Ask participants to focus on the way they communicate the empathy response provided and the way the probing was used to decide whether it was helpful or not. Conduct a complete and satisfactory discussion to decide the various issues surrounding the practical development of those skills that combine empathy and probing.

4. Note any corrective coaching that is required for each participant.

5. Feedback/summary: Ask for the views of the participants on the use of empathy combined with probing as a set of counseling skills. Discuss any remaining issues over the practice of this twofold combination. Summarize the possible range of applications these counseling skills may have at work. Conclude by going over the main points on a flipchart.

Example

A management student of 35 is talking to you:

“I found out yesterday that I have failed the management course and there’s no way I can take it again. I’ve seen everyone but the path is there are too many obstacles. It’s a mess. I’ve no idea how I’ll face my co-workers and subordinates at work. On top of that my parents had such high expectations of me. They gave me a lot of money and the company has spent a great deal of time and money on this management course. I suppose I have to tell them now—it’s all money down the drain.”

Empathy response

“You seem to be saying the situation seems pretty desperate now, both in the company and maybe with your family. Everything sounds so final.”

Probing questions

• What is needed to make the problem more concrete and clear?

• Who did the management student actually see?

• Precisely what kinds of refusals did he get?

“I wonder if you could help me understand this just a bit more, I’m not quite clear what you mean by ‘everyone’ and the obstacles that are in your way.”

In this example, the use of empathy and probing skills helps to “check-out” whether the person actually did think of all the possibilities before reaching the conclusions that he has. Using combined empathy-probing skills, we share in how the management student is actually feeling, but still checking out the accuracy of his conclusions. This is why a probe is necessary.

Case study 1

A married female executive, 29, talking to you about the trouble with her father-in-law:

“The truth is, as I see it, that he is interfering so much in my personal life that it is affecting my work. He is so underhanded and cunning and clever. I find it very hard just to know what it is he is doing. He is so subtle and I come to work and I just can’t seem to get it together anymore. I suppose I have had it—I don’t know if I can hold down the job anymore. I suppose I’m getting pretty close to quitting and giving up altogether. He keeps sending me flowers.”

What are the appropriate empathy responses? What probes seem significant? How will you combine empathy with appropriate probes? Write a dialogue and role play.

Empathy response:

Areas for probing:

Probe adopted:

Case study 2

A woman of 35 is talking to you:

“I just can’t stand my job anymore. I find my boss so unreasonable. He makes all sorts of ludicrous, outrageous and totally unreasonable demands on me. The other women in the office are so stuffy I find that I can’t even talk to them. And the men, they are so very boring or sexist and after you all the time; you know what I mean? I suppose that salary and conditions are good but I don’t think it makes up for all of the rest of the things I’ve got to manage and cope with. It’s hard to believe that this has been going on for almost two years.”

Empathy response:

Areas for probing:

Probe adopted:

Case study 3

A divorced man, 45, talking to you at work about his drinking. He has just finished telling his story:

“To be frank it’s a relief to tell someone. I don’t have to make up any excuses or tell stories to you. It’s quite simple. I drink because I like to drink. I like alcohol. That’s all. So I’m not fooling myself. Telling you isn’t going to solve it either. Because, when I get out of here, I’ll go straight to a bar and drink and drink. It’s got to be some new bar where there are new faces and everything is unfamiliar—a place where they don’t know me.”

Empathy response:

Areas for probing:

Probe adopted: