Difficult Conversations - Exercises

By Super Admin
Published 10/30/2008
Exercises

Difficult Conversations; Hidden Agendas

Spoken words can mask a speaker’s actual interests and conceal a hidden agenda. The listener might find it helpful to go behind the speaker’s spoken words and try to identify his or her unspoken thoughts. This might not happen quickly, but a well-reasoned discussion can reveal the speaker’s true interests.

At the same time, realize that any spoken words can take on meanings that the speaker never intended. A perfectly innocent word or phrase can trigger feelings and emotions in other people, exacerbating discord and transforming a mild conflict situation into full-blown conflict.

In all cases, the listener should reply with nonjudgmental responses.

BACKGROUND INFORMATION & WORKSHEET

Instead of addressing specific criticisms or complaints, use the technique of Nonjudgmental Responses, which consists of (1) employing replies that will restate the speaker’s real interest, and (2) acknowledging his or her unspoken desires. This approach can be used by parties in conflict or by a neutral third party. If used judiciously, it can lower the temperature and transform a confrontation situation into a reasonable discussion. The essence of this technique is that the listener pays very close attention to the unstated thoughts of the speaker and prepares a careful response.

The following is an example of a situation exploring one party’s interests. Notice that the second party uses nonjudgmental responses.

A man has complained to his neighbor about his neighbor’s occasional blocking of the complainer’s driveway with his car. The complainer told his neighbor, “If you don’t stop parking that way, I’ll take you to court.”

If this had happened to you, think about what the complainer might really need or want and jot down your ideas below:

____________________________________________________________

Almost any of your ideas might be true. Here’s what really happened:

The complainer’s actual interest involved the occasional visit from his aged mother who could not get around without the aid of a walker. The neighbor’s parked car forced her to climb a steep walkway, rather than walk the shorter and more level path on the driveway.

Instead of a blunt response that the complainer “doesn’t own the streets,” the neighbor said, “I can understand how annoying it must be to have your driveway blocked occasionally. Could it be that this has something to do with the elderly woman with the walker I sometimes see at your place?”

The neighbor guessed correctly that the complainer had an unspoken concern about his mother’s occasional visits. With this matter out in the open, the parties were able to begin to work out a mutually satisfactory resolution.

Both parties’ statements may appear to be somewhat unreal, but it’s evident that the complainer opens the discussion with an accusation that would probably have led to a serious confrontation. The neighbor responds with a low-key remark showing empathy, and then adds a follow-up comment indicating that he has sought and possibly found the complainer’s unspoken agenda.

Your Turn: A Nonjudgmental Exercise

PURPOSE OF THE EXERCISE: To understand nonjudgmental responses and practice making them.

INTRODUCTION: The ability to frame your responses to potentially incendiary questions or statements nonjudgmentally is one of the most powerful skills in conflict resolution.

WORKSHEET

In each of the ten situations below, pretend you are the recipient of a complaint. Decide initially what the complainer’s interest really is. Then think of a response that recognizes the complainer’s interest and initiates a discussion, thereby avoiding an argument. On the form below, fill out your carefully-constructed responses under “Interest” and “Nonjudgmental response.”

1. “I never get overtime and I need the money.”

Interest: ____________________________________________________