Situations are complex, especially at work. There are countless circumstances to deal with every week.  Which ones should you take on? Which ones should be let go?  The truth is that there is no right answer, because there is no way of ensuring how the conversation will turn out, even if you give it your best shot.

Regardless, when you do make the decision to take on a situation and communicate your angle, ask yourself; is the real conflict inside of you?  Sometimes what’s difficult about a situation is much more related to what is going on inside of you, versus what is going on between you and someone else.  In this case, focusing on the conversation isn’t going to pay off.  You may as well complete the conflict within yourself. 

Once you decide to address a situation, ask yourself if there is a better way to address it than actually talking about it.  Take time to sort out your contribution to the situation.  Once you make more sense of your role, you may be able to come up with some solutions that include you changing your role and contribution. 

Now that you have considered your role in the situation, ask yourself if your purpose makes sense.  Sometimes we try having conversations when our purposes are simply off-base.  When that happens, the outcome is not likely to be positive, regardless of how carefully you choose your words.

Here are some simple guidelines:

Don’t focus on short term relief at long-term cost.  It is easy to be defensive in a variety of conversations.  Step into the space between your perception of the situation and what your ideal reaction is.  You may feel relieved for a while after “finally letting them know what you think,” but that satisfaction may be short-lived.  Instead, approach difficult situations from a stance of curiosity.  Ask why they feel the way they do, and what you can do to provide more information about your stance.

Don’t hit and run.  If you are going to talk, talk.  Really talk.  Don’t throw out an off-hand comment at a frustrated moment.  Just like location is everything in the restaurant world, timing is everything in the communication world. 

In summary, investigate and acknowledge the basis for your own feelings, consider whether alternative solutions may be better than a face off, consider your own purpose and whether it is on task or if it is loaded with conflict that is unrelated to the situation at hand. Finally, focus on long-term solutions (not just the satisfaction of telling your side), and choose an appropriate time and situation, versus the off-hand attack that leaves all sides defensive.